I Married the Wrong Person

So many marriages today are ending in divorce.  But yours doesn’t have to! As a marriage counselor, I’ve heard every reason in the world while couples are separating.  The most common reason is there is usually someone else in the picture.  Maybe it’s just thoughts or flirting (which are both still wrong), but that person is thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  Let me say this:  appearances can be deceiving.  What looks better somewhere else usually isn’t.  Sometimes it’s greener because it’s built over a septic tank.  Proverbs 14:4 says, "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox."  If you’re going to have oxen, you’re going to have oxen poop (can a pastor say poop?).  You will have some mess in your marriage.  You just have to clean up the mess along the way and not let it pile up. 

Most of the time couples blame each other for their failing marriage and true enough the person being blamed usually has problems – but who doesn’t?  Rarely is a failed marriage the result of only one person.  An excuse I hear all the time is, “I think I married the wrong person”.  That’s one reason I’m a huge fan of long courtships.  You must get to know the person well before committing the rest of your life to them.  Still, excuse is usually a front for deeper issues.  Sometimes, the one saying this is thinking of someone else who appears to be better than the one they married.  Other times, the one saying this is thinking of Mr./Mrs. Perfect (which do not exist).  And other times this is said out of frustration because the other person is doing a lot of wrong things.  Remember this though:  a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the right person, feeling right emotions, or thinking right thoughts.  A successful marriage happens because couples do the right things.  If you are doing the wrong things you’ll eventually end up thinking you married the wrong person.

God wants you to change your ways.  Instead of jumping ship or onto another ship, perhaps it’s time to clean up your ship – together.  That’s right.  Marriage takes two.  I know one person in the marriage can cause the majority of the problem.  If that’s you, the way to a better marriage is to repent and do right things.  If not, you’ll carry all the wrong you’re doing now into another relationship.  If you’ll cheat on your current mate you’ll cheat on the next one without a heart change.  If you’ll treat your current mate wrong you’ll eventually do that to your next one.   Getting a new mate won’t fix a mean, harsh, selfish, unforgiving, or bitter attitude.  Only God can do that.  You should not bail on your marriage.  You need to repent to the Lord and each other, forgive, and implement the change the Lord tells you to make.

Remember the words you said to each other when you got married?  You probably said, “For better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, till death do us part.”  What you didn’t say was, “for better and better, in health and health, for richer and richer, till I find someone better and divorce do us part.”  Marriage is not the union of two people filing separately now filing together.  You don’t take them to be your starter wife/husband.  You enter into marriage for a lifetime with the intent to work through whatever comes your way.  No one has divorce lawyers in their wedding party.  You have friends and family who are in full support of you being married for a lifetime.   Separating won’t fix your marriage and neither will another partner, only God can as you work together doing right things.  Every marriage has its challenges, but God is bigger than them all.  He can give you a fresh start.  Maybe it’s time to renew your vows – your covenant.  What God has joined together, let no man separate (Mark 10:9).

Reconcilable Differences

One of the biggest reasons listed for divorces today is “irreconcilable differences”.  Generally speaking, this phrase means nothing can bring us together and marriage is pointless.  But with Jesus’ help, all differences can be reconciled.  Having a good relationship with your spouse is not an accident – it takes work.  Scripture gives us several principles that will lead us into strong relationships with our spouses.  For example, Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot tempered man stirs up dissension but a patient man calms a quarrel.”  Simply keeping your cool goes a long way in building a great relationship.  Another Proverb is, “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”  Some couples fight over almost anything.  If they would just stop and realize that most arguments start over petty issues there would be more peace and less mess in their relationship.  I am a firm believer that when you apply God’s Word to your marriage any difference can be reconciled.

Five of the biggest reasons for conflict in marriage are poor communication, selfishness, pride, unmet needs, and unexpected differences.  How you communicate to your spouse determines if you marriage is whole or hell.  Psalm 141:3 says, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, and keep watch over the door of my lips.”  What you say or don’t say and how you say it will either enrich or entrench your marriage.  The second biggest reason for conflict in marriage is selfishness.  Having to be right 100% of the time, only seeking your best interest, and ignoring your spouse’s feelings is not only disrespectful but deplorable. Selfishness can even mean never listening to and always interrupting your spouse.  Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening brings folly and shame to their life.”

A third reason for conflict is pride.  Never admitting your mistakes, refusing counsel, and blaming your spouse are examples of pride.  Scripture says you need to take the plank out of your own eye before you talk about the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3-4).  Another reason for conflict is unmet needs.  James 4:1-2 says fights and quarrels come from the evil desires that battle within you as you don’t get what you want.  Your deepest needs can only be met by the Lord.  Asking your spouse to fill those is unfair as they cannot meet your unrealistic expectations.  Maybe you didn’t expect the differences you have discovered between you and your spouse.  Remember, Jesus is our peace and can make the two become one and destroy the barrier and hostility between you two (Ephesians 2:14). 

So how do you reconcile with your spouse?  First you must begin to focus on the good and not the bad.  Remember why you decided to get married.  Think about the good times of your marriage.  Philippians 4:8 tells you to think about things that are true, noble, pure, lovely, and admirable.  If you can’t remember any good times then it’s time to create some.  Another step is stop overreacting.  Right actions are way different than wrong reactions.  You must be proactive and overcome evil with good instead of letting evil overcome you (Romans 12:21).   You also can’t reconcile if you are always running away or putting more distance between your spouse.  You must learn to talk it out instead of waking out on your mate.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26-27).  That means do something to make it right between your spouse today.  Be quick to forgive.  Don’t hold grudges.  Be teachable and willing to do whatever it takes to engage and win your spouse back.  You can be reconciled because Jesus died to defeat sin and death.   He desires to resurrect your marriage and heal your relationship with your spouse.  While He is able, it is your choice and takes two.  I pray you are willing.  There are no irreconcilable differences in Christ. 

10 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

1. Instead of working on any solutions all you do is revisit the problems - over and over and over and...

2.  You are quoting Scripture AT each other to prove each other is wrong instead of using it as your guide.

3.  When a problem arises, your first thought towards them is suspicion instead of trust. ("He is out to get me.  That proves she doesn't love me.  If they cared, they wouldn't have done that.")

4.  You aren't proactively planning your future (date nights, family time, vacations, goals, etc.) because you're still stuck and fuming mad in your past hurt. 

5.  EVERYTHING turns into a fight and is something to argue about.  Arguing only stops when food is in your mouth blocking your vocal cords and you are unconscious because of sleep - and then you argue about the food and how their actions kept you from enough sleep.

6.  You aren't thinking about how you can serve them - you're thinking about what they did wrong.  You are literally consumed with negative thoughts towards your spouse which leads to anger, bitterness, revenge, wrath, etc.

7.  You are running scenarios in your mind about what you would do if you separate - where you'd live, what you'd take with you, how much you have to save up to separate, etc.

8.  You are happy and mad all at the same time when they have to work late.  Happy so you don't have to deal with them but mad because they "never spend time with you anymore."

9.  You use the kids against your spouse.  "YOUR son did that.  MY daughter said you said this.  Your daddy is a ______.  I'll take the kids and leave you if you don't..."

10.  You pretend everything is perfect in front of others (i.e. at church, work).  You argue about the same sad things on the way to church but when the minivan door opens you put on your righteous robe and pass out holy handshakes and gracious greetings to everyone while you stonewall your spouse.

Bonus:  Everything your spouse does gets on your nerves and fuels your thoughts (and eventually actions) for separation.  That's because you are right 100% of the time and they are 100% wrong - but every now and then you half-heartedly admit you may have an issue but quickly pass the buck and list how much worse they are than you are.

Marriage: Covenant or Contract?

Some things are not meant to be broken. Marriage is one of them. Marriage cannot be defined in earthly terms because it was heavenly created. It is a sacred union created by God Himself for a lifetime commitment between one man and one woman. Some people view marriage as a contract with an “opt-out” plan if things do not go right. I heard that some countries, Mexico in particular, have even discussed a two-year marriage contract. If the marriage doesn’t work out after two years, you can walk away free and clear. Nothing says “I love you” to your spouse more than choosing the “opt-out plan” for marriage.

Marriage is a covenant relationship. It says I’m willing to surrender my rights and pick up my responsibilities. Covenant means I will stick with you no matter what. Remember these traditional vows: “for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part”? They have almost been replaced by “till something better comes along, only if I get something out of this, till the money runs out, and till I’m not happy anymore.”

Our spouses should be the top relationship in our lives. The home should not be child-centered. When you put marriage ahead of the kids it communicates to them the beautiful sacredness of the covenant relationship. A covenant marriage holds their spouse more than they do a golf club or hunting rifle. Your spouse should be your top priority. We learn priority from God, who we should seek first (Matthew 6:33). Another sign of covenant is giving yourself fully to your mate. 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells us about this mutuality. A covenant relationship also relinquishes its rights to privacy. Jesus said He did not hide His business from us because of covenant friendship (John 15:15).

Covenant people love unconditionally. Jesus died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). If He can do that, surely you can love your mate through their mistakes (I’m sure you’ve had your share of them as well). Covenant people honor each other respectfully. 1 Peter 3:5-7 tells wives and husbands to show respect to one another. Covenant people submit mutually to one another. How can you misinterpret Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of the reverence for Christ”? You submit to one another because you love the Lord, not because your spouse is perfect – they are not, but Jesus is!

Covenant people desire to settle conflict and not just to be right. Covenant people do not fight in their marriage – they fight for it! Covenant people do not flirt with other people in person or online because that is reserved only for their spouse and they know the damage it brings to marriage (Proverbs 6:27). Covenant people refuse to let pride get in the way and ask for help in their marriage when it gets tough (James 5:16). Covenant people engage one another and do not just come home from work, sit on the couch, watch TV for hours, disregard one another and the kids and then wonder why they are not growing closer. Satan doesn’t want us to hate our spouses – he just wants us to take them for granted. Yesterday’s romance must be stirred up for TODAY’S romance. Covenant people do not blame each other. “If they would/would not do this, then I would/would not do this.” Covenant people do not pray “God fix my spouse” more than they pray “God fix me.”

Covenant marriage is what Christ desires for your life. Great marriages do not just happen by accident. They take both people passionately and consistently pursuing Jesus to be successful.

Don't Rush Love

You will never be fulfilled with sex outside of marriage. What most people are looking for in sex is love. Still others are only looking for lust. Our culture will lie to you about what love really is and how you obtain it. Don’t think culture lies? Remember bellbottoms and parachute pants? What about fanny packs and leisure suits? Culture lied to us and said they were stylish. Kidding aside, if we look to culture or television to find real love, we will be disappointed. The pseudo love that dominates the airwaves and mainstream media will leave you unfulfilled and full of regret.

There is a hole in your heart that neither you nor any other person will be able to fill. John 4 tells about a woman who had a myriad of relationships-gone-bad. She already had five failed marriages and was living with a guy. What she needed, and Jesus gave it to her, was “living water.” Moving in together, premarital sex, relationship hopping, and the world’s way of dating will not fulfill you. Neither will a marriage apart from Christ. Only a relationship with Jesus will sustain and enrich your life and allow you to have fruitful relationships. If you have had one bad relationship after another then what you need is the Lord first and foremost. He will never leave you nor turn His back on you.

If you are single, don’t be obsessed with trying to find the right person. Sometimes people settle for whoever comes along just so they won’t be lonely. Doing so may compromise discovering God’s best. God will bring the right person to you at the right time. He took the initiative to bring Eve to Adam to complete Him (Genesis 2). Start seeking the Lord’s righteousness and Kingdom first and then He will give you the desires of your heart (Matthew 6:33).

What do you need in a mate? First is inner beauty. That only comes through a surrendered life to Christ. For the Christian, you should look for someone who is already serving the Lord and faithful to His church. A woman or man whom God is changing is a magnetic and beautiful thing. Get your eyes off outward beauty. The more media influences you the more unsatisfied you will be with your body and that of your mate. Why? Spend more time in prayer and in the Bible than you do working out or looking in a mirror. Beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30).

Don’t rush your relationship. Love that is genuine will last. In Genesis 29:20 Jacob worked for Rachel’s father seven years before he could marry her. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love is patient. “Agape” is the unconditional, sacrificial, covenantal love that doesn’t seek its own or desire anything in return. “Eros” (where we get the word erotic) is merely physical attraction where you want something from someone. “Phileo” is friend and family love but also desires something in return. You must base your relationship, especially marriage, on agape. Sex is a good thing. God created it, but for His context. That is where it brings blessing and fulfillment.

God has the master plan for your life. Look to Him for it and don’t rush. Rushing anything usually leads to pain and destruction. Live a life fully devoted to Him and He will direct your path. Let Him fill that emptiness in your heart. Afterwards, everything He adds to it will bring a blessing.

I Am Daddy

I love being a dad.  I'm glad God gave me girls.  They are a blast!  They love seeing daddy come home and are still at the age where they run up to me and hug me when I come in the house.  They let me toss them in the air and use them as my free weights to do "daddy-workout". 

I am learning something - I only get one shot at this time in their life.  They are growing up too fast!  I have to admit, I still get a little weepy when I hear songs like "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman or "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker (yes, I listed a "secular" artist - Heaven forbid I list "She Thinks We're Just Fishin'" by Trace Adkins - LOL).  Seriously, this era of my life is passing fast.  One day they will be grown, married, and out of my house (not till age 30 though). 

The past couple of weeks have been a counseling marathon for me.  Last week's phrase was, "you aren't sorry.  You're sorry you got caught."  This week's phrase was, "stop acting like a jerk".  I replaced "jerk" with "punk" one day.  Why?  These dad's are missing it!  I don't know how many dads I've begged to get right and not leave.  I've lost count of how many husbands who I've pleaded with over and over to step up and be a man of God and love their wife and kids. 

I don't want to look back with regret.  God is full of grace.  My wife and kids don't have to worry about if I'm coming home or not.  They don't have to worry about if we are going to have supper together most every night.  I'm going to lead them to the Lord, not away from Him.  When I look back in life I don't want to have regrets in the time I've spent with my family or how I've done it.

I've got a lot of aspirations in life.  Some I've completed, but others are still in front of me.  I want to write books, lead and plant churches, reach thousands of people for Christ and many other noble tasks.  Right now is a pretty busy time in my life for several reasons.  I'm meeting with about 25 different people for counseling right now.  I have five weddings in two months.  I'm leading our 10,000 sq ft. building project at church.  I want to be great at them all - but most important to me is being dad and husband.  Why?  Isn't the church more important?  If I don't take care of my bride, how can I take care of His?  If I don't love and lead my family, How can I love and lead Family Church?  What a poor testimony of someone who is a great pastor but a terrible husband and father!

I am Stevie to my wife.  I am daddy to my kids.  Everyone else knows me as Stephen or Pastor but only they get Stevie and daddy.  This week is CRAZY on the construction end at church.  Ceilings, flooring, masonry, electrical, concrete, painting, kitchen installation, you name it has been scheduled.  I've organized, coordinated, prepped, and planned as best as possible.  The tug-of-war yesterday was this:  I'm scheduled to be off a few days with my family next week but feel the pressure of what may happen and who may need me next week.  My conclusion:  I've done all I can to prep for next week.  I know all our contractors by name and I enjoy seeing them at the job site.  But those girls mean more.  I realized this - the job site will function without me because I've prepared it well.  My family won't and no excuse in the world, no matter how "important" I make it to my girls, will suffice. 

Jesus told the disciples in John 14 that they had seen the Father.  Phillip longed to see the Father and said, "Show us the Father and that will be enough."  In other words, "I long for a Father so much that one glimpse of the real thing will fulfill my deepest desire."  Jesus told them they see the Father through Him.  I desire to be like Christ and show Him through my life to my girls.

I pray three things for my girls every day:  1.  They give their lives to Christ.  2.  They are called into full-time ministry.  3.  They marry men who love Christ and His Church and not settle.  I must set the bar high for them by living the life of the type of man they should marry.  One who values them over work.  One who values them over prestige.  One who values them over power and money.  One who looks and loves like Jesus.  I'm not perfect in this and have to say no and know when enough work is enough.  But I'm trying.

After all life is done and finished I may say I pastored a great church and loved thousands of people.  I may say I have done and built great things and fulfilled many aspirations.  But the greatest thing I'll say is I was Stevie and daddy.

7 Steps To Destroying Your Marriage

No one wants to destroy their marriage? Right? You can unknowingly do several hurtful things to each other that in time will damage if not destroy your marriage. Here are seven ways that always lead to damage and destruction in marriage.

1. Stop Communicating
When you would rather talk about your spouse than to them you are in trouble. Using the “silent treatment” approach to diffuse the situation never works. Kids do this all the time. Refusing communication is like refusing food and water. Eventually, it will kill your marriage. Break the wall of hostility now. Go to your spouse with a repentant, forgiving attitude and open the lifeline of communication again.

2. Stop Listening
This is like playing “na-na-na-na-boo-boo” with fingers in your ears. Again, kids do it. Cutting them off in mid-sentence, walking away, leaving the house, talking louder than them, immediately correcting them, trying to prove your point more – all detrimental ways of not listening. It’s time to pull the fingers out of your ears and the scales off your heart and listen to your sweetheart again.

3. Assume The Worst
Jumping to conclusions is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. When a bad thought or word comes, carrying it to the extreme illogical conclusion never helps your marriage. Sit with your spouse and ask them patiently and lovingly for an explanation and clarification. You must do this with an understanding and forgiving attitude. What ever happened to believing the best about someone, especially your spouse?

4. Win The Argument
You may be right but you can be dead right. If pride keeps you from saying you are wrong about something then you are in sin. Pride usually makes you bring up tons of accusations and past situations that have nothing to do with the present argument. Why? So you can have bigger and better ammunition to maim and torture your spouse. When winning at all costs becomes the goal you will hurt and deeply wound a loved one. Practice speaking words of edification and praise to your spouse. Forget the past and don’t use it against them.

5. Spouses Are Enemies, Not Friends
Remember, you are supposed to be on the same team. Taking sides, digging trenches, and hurling insults is not friendly. Stop competing with and start completing one another. It is time to let God sign a peace treaty on your hearts so you can be one again.

6. Focus On Shortcomings And Failures
Only talking bad about your spouse’s failures and how they are not meeting your needs is selfish and wrong. Marriage isn’t give and take, it is give and give. Your goal should be to step up and serve them where they fall short. Everyone has shortcomings and has failed. Before you bring up your spouse’s weaknesses, take a look at yourself and see what you could do to improve your marriage. Remember that you both are not flawless and perfect. Only Jesus is and you need Him to wash away your sins and give you a fresh start.

7. No Fun
You have to build memories together – the kind you take pictures of and place around the house. Also, have mutual friends. If you only have a different set of friends from each other it can be damaging. You must also have date nights. Take time to have family fun. Leave the cell phones off during time together. You can Tweet and post on Facebook anytime. Talk about each other, not just the kids or other people. Be creative and think of new things to do together.